I wish I had written that: Week five

Excerpt One

"Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. 'Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening.'" -- Nick Hide, Crave

Nick Hide is my writing hero right now. This excerpt is from a story that ran in Crave on April 1, 2010 (read that date again). I love it because it's not true. I know that's a statement that you don't -- and shouldn't -- really hear from a journalist, but if you didn't figure it out from the date that it was published, I'll clue you in: the story is an April Fool's joke!

I had to share this, as I've never read a news story that was actually an April Fool's joke before.

As I was reading this story, I found myself wondering if it was indeed true. I wanted it to be, but it seemed too far-fetched.

Yet I wasn't convinced it wasn't real until the comments below the article clued me in to the date of its publishing, which I had missed previously. People really enjoyed this article.

I especially like the "Back to the Future" reference with the "device that resembled a kitchen blender."

Hide is the Games & Gear editor for CNET UK's Crave blog. According to his profile, he's been playing video games for 20 years. It makes sense -- time travel has been a subject in many video games.


Excerpt Two

"And by 'disguised as us', I am not specifically referring to Lindsay Lohan, Ray Kurzweil, Dennis Kucinich, Newt (even though that name might, to some, be such a giveaway) Gingrich, Jack White, the members of Devo, or the man who lives on my street with the curiously pointy-eared chihuahua." -- Chris Matyszczyk, Technically Incorrect

Chris Matyszczyk is a CNET Blog Network author who apparently doesn't mind offending people. Well, at least, celebrities. What stood out to me about this excerpt was just that: Matyszczyk is bold in pointing out the ridiculousness of the findings of a study conducted on people's belief in aliens.

I also found Matyszczyk's reference to Newt Gingrich's name humorous. Would aliens really go by such a name?

The article from which the excerpt comes discusses a study conducted by Ipsos, in which it was found that the vast majority of people don't believe that aliens, disguised to look human, are living among us. However, a minority of 20 percent believe the opposite.

Perhaps this minority is behind the new TV show "V" in an attempt to prepare the rest of us for reality.

And whether they believe in aliens is unclear, but the fact that people like the article is obvious, based on the 25 comments already posted, even though the article was only published today.

According to the small bio at the end of Matyszczyk's article, he brings an "irreverent, sarcastic, and sometimes ironic voice to the tech world."

No kidding.


Excerpt Three

"The Register reports that the bread entered machinery above ground. Honestly, they've spent over £3.5bn on the thing, you'd think CERN could afford a tarpaulin, or perhaps a Wendy house.

We're not ones for crude for national stereotyping, but the detail that the bird dropped a bit of baguette suggests this must have occurred on the French side of the LHC. It's unclear whether the bird was actually riding a bike, or indeed wearing onions and a beret." -- Rich Trenholm

After a short break from the Large Hadron Collider, we're back with another excerpt from yet another article about it. This time, though, it's true. And it seems to me that I've developed a bit of a pattern of choosing articles that drip with sarcasm and satire to write about in this blog, but that's exactly what I like about this article: the satire.

I don't know what a Wendy house is, but Rich Trenholm is right. If you spend so much on something so advanced, you might as well protect it from the birds. And putting a tarp over the LHC is, in my mind, quite a funny image.

My favorite part of the excerpt by far is: "It's unclear whether the bird was actually riding a bike, or indeed wearing onions and a beret." Oh, how the Brits love to make fun of French people.

But, more than the humor, the best thing about this article, and what it makes it great writing, is the fact that it seems too good to be true. Several people in the comments make it clear that they have a hard time believing it. But, according to The Register, it's 100 percent true (well, at least the part about the LHC having problems -- the bird dropping bread part is only assumed).

Rich Trenholm is a reviewer for CNET UK and, according to his profile, "does not drink tea and never has," even though he's British.

So much for stereotypes.

I wish I had written that: Week four

This week I'm giving a shout out to my own university's student newspaper, The Oakland Post, by focusing on writing published in it.

Excerpt One

"Back in my day we had to rewind our video tapes. None of this fancy skipping about with a DVD player remote, we had to sit right next to this giant black machine and hold down a button to skip ahead or rewind it. Special features? If you were lucky, they were after the credits, and that too you had to hold a button down to skip. Did I mention the primary diet of a VCR machine is to eat video tapes?

Back in my day, we had to blow on our video games to make them work. Smacking your Super Nintendo was a legitimate trouble-shooting technique. There was no auto save feature and sometimes there wasn’t a save feature at all. If your dog accidentally bumped your Sega, Sonic blinked out of existence, the Sega logo popped up again and Dr. Robotnik was still a pain in the ass. We only had 151 Pokemon, and damn it, we liked it.

Back in my day, when we wanted to go online, we used a damned phone line. And when it tried to connect (Yes kids, it didn’t work every time) it made this soul-rendering abomination of a noise that sounded like a robot was giving birth in an electric storm. You know this sound. It is the soundtrack to your nightmares."

-- Dan Simons, The Oakland Post

Is my generation old enough to reminisce about "the old days"? Dan Simons thinks so. And upon reading his ornery-on-purpose description of the collective childhood of my generation, I agree with him. Times have changed, and his colorful, humorous description of those bygone days make that absolutely clear.

And that's what's impressive about this excerpt. Simons, the editor of the Oakland Post's "Mouthing Off" section, creates a humorous snapshot of the past that's believable and also fun to read.

This isn't just my opinion, though, as about five people would agree with me. Just read the comments. It's probably safe to say that more people

read it and liked it, but just didn't comment, too.

Excerpt Two

"But no. Instead of getting a beautiful fairy-dust-spewing “magical” tablet with the newest Mac OS to make da Vinci worthy Photoshop pieces with our hands, I get what I already have. An iPod Touch. Magnified x277."

-- Kaitlyn Chornoby, The Oakland Post

Kaitlyn Chornoby -- a copy editor for The Oakland Post, who, according to her Facebook, enjoys tech blogging (my goal is to share a little bit about the author, per assignment requirements, but writing that felt weird) -- is a little frustrated with Apple's latest tech release, the iPad. I believe her frustrations are representative of a lot of people, and I felt a strange sense of satisfaction when I read this excerpt. It felt like I was vicariously venting my frustrations with Apple releasing a device that is really NOT new.

That's what's great with the excerpt from Chornoby's article on the iPad. It vents. It calls Apple out on what the iPad really is. And it doesn't pull any punches: "

An iPod Touch. Magnified x277."

The comments section at the bottom of the article calls it a "fabulous review." I agree.

But what's even better are the tags at the bottom: "Steve Jobs is a turd." Nice.

Excerpt Three

"With Oakland’s enrollment annually rising, the pressure to get a close parking spot has never been greater. Few words can describe the joy when you’re running late and at the last minute you see that first open spot in front of the OC. Many words, some unmentionable during PG-13 movies, can explain the anger when that spot is claimed the moment you activate your blinker."

-- Chris Hagan, The Oakland Post

I'm going to start this by being completely transparent: Chris Hagan, an OU journalism student, is a friend of mine. I went to Lake Orion High School with him. But his article on parking at OU was just too entertaining to not write about.

Hagan is describing a situation that every OU commuter student can relate to -- finding a parking spot. And that's what's great about the excerpt: he's encapsulating an experience that is common among the student body.

My favorite part of this is "many words, some unmentionable during PG-13 movies" because it gets the point across without having to use those annoying asterisks (***). It made me laugh, and it relates the frustration that every commuter student has probably felt at some point during their college career, though not all would express it the same way. I myself usually make incomprehensible noises or growl.

The experience of OU students is what backs up Hagan's writing. It's great writing because it manages to capture something nebulous -- the emotions of a collective body -- in a humorous way. Talk to any OU student that commutes and they'll back me up on this.

Parking is part of OU's experience.